I'm Sorry
by IlOvEgAaRaSoOoOoOmUcH
Summary: Yashamaru loved his nephew even if he hurt Gaara when he died. Karura is not sure she loved Gaara at all even though a mother should. Yashamaru and Karura's thoughts before they died. AU
1. Yashamaru

_Yashamaru's thoughts _

**Yashamaru's speech**

Gaara's speech

_I know this won't get through your sand, it's not meant to. Your father wants you dead and nothing I can do will change his mind. The only thing I can do is make you stronger. The only way for you to become strong is to fight only for yourself._

_I send the kunai at you. I'm sorry; I know this will hurt you even though the kunai won't hit you._

_The sand comes up to protect you. It races towards me._

_It hurts. It hurts. It hurts. It hurts. It hurts. It hurts. It hurts. It hurts._

_The sand has left me. I'm led on the roof. I can't move, I can barely breathe. It hurts. I'm bleeding. I can feel my blood dripping down my face._

"Who are you?" 

_I can hear you getting closer_

"What do you want?"

_You sound more scared this time. Why is that? Have you noticed? Do you recognise me? _

_I can hear you breath. It's too fast, your panicking. I want to comfort you but there will be other assassins; they'll be more ruthless than me. You can't afford to have second thoughts about killing. If you do... If you show them this weakness... I don't even want to think about it. You're kneeling next to me. _

_You take off my mask._

_I can see you freeze as your heart breaks. I'm so sorry. My heart is breaking too. I can't show you my tears though, _

_You're staring at me. Please... please don't look at me like that. Stop crying. Please._

"**You did well Gaara, you did very well"**

_I'm proud of you._

"Yashamaru" 

_There's a scream it take a moment to realise that it's you. You're screaming. You're in pain and it's me causing it. It's my fault. I'm so sorry._

_The screaming's stopped but now you're crying harder. It's almost worse. I wish I could hug you, comfort you, like I've always done before. I can barely stop myself from reaching out and telling you everything is going to be OK but I can't and nothing is going to be OK. Not for you, it's never been. Your father will send more assassins. They'll be better than me, trying harder. You must be strong. I will make you strong. I won't let you die._

_I can't breathe. I try to cough but it hurts. All I can see is your face but the look you are giving me hurts worse than my lungs. I'm so tired; I can't even keep my head up. I almost close my eyes. I can't stand that betrayed look you're giving me anymore. I feel like I have to bare it because I have betrayed you. I've hurt you. You should hate me... Is it selfish to hope that you won't?_

_You're speaking again. You sound so sad. I can't see your face. I can't tell if you're crying._

"Why? Why? Yashamaru, why did you do it? I don't understand. Tell me why." 

_To save you. I so want to say it. To speak the truth but I need you to be strong, to be able to survive. You are my precious person. Don't cry, please._

"I thought..."

_Be strong. Please stop crying. _

"Yashamaru... If I'm precious to you how could you..."

_You are precious to me. I love you. I was ordered. If hadn't agreed the Kazekage would have sent someone else, someone stronger. You wouldn't have been ready, they might have killed you. I won't let that happen. You will be strong now. I'm sorry for hurting you but I don't regret this. I just feel sad._

_You need to know something. I can't just leave it like this. I don't know what to tell you. I can't let you trust him._

"**It was an order; you see I was ordered to kill you Gaara, by Lord Kazekage, your father"**

_It's hard to say those words, to take your trust in everyone, to leave you alone. It's the truth though, some of it anyway. You need to know about your father. You need to know not to trust him. You've always wanted his love, his approval, it like I'm not enough. It hurts, but I've never been able to tell you about him. What he has done. I couldn't do it before; I couldn't take away your hope. _

"My father? Why me? Why... wouldn't my Father..."

_Your father is the demon._

"**You were born with the Shukaku, a living sand demon inside you, all these years you have been watched and studied as part of a great experiment."**

_You are a person, a little boy and this shouldn't have happened. You should have been happy. You should have had a mother. I should have had a sister. We should have been a family. I wish..._

"**It became clear that you could never control it, the Shukaku that possesses the power of the sand itself. The day is coming when your existence will be too dangerous for the village. It had to be done before then"**

_That is what your father believes. It is not true. I don't think so anyway. You are getting better at controlling the sand; you stopped today, when you hurt me. It is not enough yet though, and you're too trusting. You would let your murderers get close._

_You have started to smile. You're still crying but you look happier. Why? It's nice; maybe you won't hate me... But I don't understand. What have I said to make you smile?_

"You had to obey my father you didn't have any choice"

_You're wrong I had a choice. I could have refused. I wanted to but I... I am not strong enough to protect you. You have to protect yourself. If you have to hate me, if I have to hurt you so that you can do that then I could not have chosen to do anything different._

_I'm sorry. I have to take away your hope. It will make you vulnerable. You can't afford that. Your father... no the Kazekage would use it against you. That man is not your father, he has never been. A father is someone who loves you._

"**You're wrong, I had a choice. Yes the Kazekage made his wishes known to me but I could have refused if I had chosen to."**

_You still have hope. I can see it in your eyes. You still trust him. You still trust me._

"**I** **suppose it's because deep in my heart I hate you Gaara, I've always hated you."**

_Lies_

"**My sister died bringing you into this world I can't forgive you for that."**

_There is nothing to forgive. You didn't ask to be born. You didn't ask for Shukaku. You didn't ask for her death. The Kazekage asked for that. It's him I hate._

"**I told myself that you are all that's left of her and since I loved her I should love you I tried but I never could."**

_I don't love you because you are my sister's son; I love you because you are Gaara. You are yourself._

"**It wasn't her choice to have you, to be made a human sacrifice and so she died cursing this village."**

_She wanted you. She loved you... but she knew what would happen when the demon was sealed. She knew how you would be treated. She knew you would be hurt, that you would be lonely. She didn't want you to suffer and she hated the village and the Kazekage for what she knew they would do to you. I hate them too._

"**The day she died I felt a wound in my heart that I knew would never heal"**

_You have helped though. It is better. I will always miss her but you make it hurt less._

"**Your name is the one your mother gave you, your name is Gaara, the demon that loves only itself as you must love no one else, care for no one's existence but your own, fight only for yourself"**

_They will not fight for you._

"**That way you will be sure to survive. This is the dying gift your mother left you"**

_You must be strong. You must continue to exist. You must become the monster everyone fears. You must not let them hurt you, do not let them come close. They don't care for you; they should mean nothing to you. Please understand._

"**She did not give it out of maternal affection. It was not from love that she gave you your name. It was from her undying rage at this village. It was part of her curse that you should survive and grow. Her hate lives on in you."**

_And it will make you stronger. Hate everybody. They do not deserve to live._

"**You were never loved Gaara, never."**

_You have frozen; I can see your heart break. I'm so sorry. I have to do this. There's no turning back now. I can barely move but the exploding tags are about to go off. I don't know if the explosion will get through the sand but if I warn you first I'm sure you'll be safe. I unzip my jacket so you can see them. I'm so slow I need to go faster, to give you more time but I can't. I can barely move. It hurts. It hurts so much._

"**This is it... please die"**

_I'm sorry... I love you... I always have... This is it... My pain will stop now... My heart will stop hurting... Please forgive me... I know I deserve this for hurting you... I deserve this pain...But I can't live anymore... Not if it puts you in danger... _

_I won't let you die. _


	2. Karura

I will name you Gaara.

Sometimes I know I love you. Sometimes I not so sure, sometimes you don't mean anything to me; you're just this thing growing inside of me. Sometimes I just want to scream.

I will name you Gaara.

It's like you're a parasite trying to suck my life away. I scared, I don't want to die. I know it will hurt and I'm scared. It will be your fault. I will die because of you... I still can't bring myself to hate you. You are still my son. I hate your father...or at least I'd like to. I guess I can't bring myself to hate him either. I still love him even though he plans to kill me. I hate myself. I hate myself for not being good enough for my husband, the man I married. He has chosen this village over me. I wish it would burn. It's them I hate, those people who he values over my life. I don't think he'll even miss me.

I will name you Gaara.

Temari and Kankuro, my children, they'll miss me, at least Temari will. I think Kankuro is too young to remember properly, in time his memories will fade. He'll never forget me entirely though, I am sure of that. Even so I think my death will be hardest on Temari. For the moment they are happy, they excited, and they cannot wait for you to be born. They're looking forward to it; they don't know what your birth will mean. You will take away their mother. I don't think you deserve them; you should not be their brother. You are not their family, I am. I don't want to leave them because of you. I love them more than you. I wish it were different but you're going to kill me and I'm scared. I don't want to die.

I will name you Gaara.

I can't stand to see my brother anymore. I know my death will hurt him. You will hurt him, you will hurt my brother. I can't stand to see the looks he gives me, like his about to cry. He knows I'm going to die and it's killing him too. I feel like it's my fault because I don't want you to die either. I don't hate you enough to want you to just disappear. It feels like I'm choosing you over him and it hurts because I love Yashamaru more than anything. I know that I don't have a choice but if I did I don't think I could bring myself to kill you. I wish I hated you. It would make it easier.

I will name you Gaara.

I asked Yashamaru to look after you, to protect you. I hope he does. It will give him something to focus on. I don't want him to hurt anymore. It won't work though; you won't be able to heal his heart. I want him to love you though. It's strange that I want this, considering I don't want you to go anywhere near Temari and Kankuro. It's confusing but then nothing about this situation makes sense. I told Yashamaru I hated your father even though it wasn't true, not really. I wanted to give him a target, someone to blame for this. I don't want him to blame you.

I will name you Gaara.

I know the villagers will hate you, I hope you hate them back. They deserve it, as much as I detest it I am dying for them and they would spit on my sacrifice. They will call for your death. They'll go after you. You won't be safe.

I will name you Gaara.

Will you be like him, like your father, terrible, cold hearted and cruel…or me, weak, trusting and pathetic? I'm not sure which is worse. I hope you're like your father, it will make you stronger. I'm not worried though, I doubt you'll be like me. You won't even be human. You'll be a demon in human skin. Your father will make you into a monster and I wish I could hate you. You won't be alone though, they are all monsters, your father, the villagers, everyone. They'll want you dead but you are stronger than they are. You are a real demon and you will survive. Kill them before they kill you, remove the threat, only then can you exist.

It doesn't matter if I love you or not because I'll be dead soon, I just know I don't hate you.

I will name you Gaara, the demon who only loves himself.

Kill them all.


End file.
